Black Hole Cosmology

Black Hole Cosmology
As transmitted by supernatural celestial beings on golden plates

An Introduction to Black Hole Cosmology
(translation note: wimmen = singular, wimmenz = plural).

A long time ago, in a galaxy far away…

A wannabe sociopathic demiurge wandered throughout the universe. No one knows for sure when, where, or how the demiurge was created. Truly, it is impossible to know – for the demiurge was a great deceiver. The demiurge’s own testimony cannot be relied upon as the demiurge fabricates most details about its origin and existence. During its intergalactic travels, the demiurge had grown interested in the peoples that inhabited the ‘Kwa system. White seraphim had once dominated the ‘Kwa, but these seraphim had fallen from grace. The white seraphim had now faced the possibility of extinction. Penny-pinching shape-shifting reptilians successfully infiltrated the planets built by these seraphim. The penny-pinching reptoids had undermined the souls of these seraphim, rendering them weak and decadent. During this state of weakness, the shape-shifters flooded their planets with brutish apes from the planet of the apes. The demiurge, who craved attention and followers, recognized an opportunity.

The demiurge used his celestial powers to conjure a new galaxy, which he called Torah. The demiurge then appeared to some dissident white seraphim as a great leader in the image of Patrick Bateman, preaching a new type of philosophy called Homo Aestheticus. The Bateman demiurge informed the white seraphim that he could teach them how to save and preserve themselves. This entity would also grant them safe haven in Torah, far removed from the ghettoes of the ‘Kwa. The demiurge savored their faith and devotion, and had only sought their worship in return for his kindness. The demiurge also convinced whitey that he was the most powerful force in the galaxy. The white seraphim dissidents who followed him were granted access to a planet called Imperium, and had been called Ubermensch. Many of the Ubermensch were young nihilists who aspired to blow up their home planets, and they were named things like Johnson, Tchort, and Noddy.

Time passed, and the new state of things caused Homo Aestheticus some boredom. Moreover, the demiurge had grown wary of the independent spirit of these Ubermensch, and the possibility of their return to power had caused him some anxiety. Homo Aestheticus decided he needed some balance. He accordingly decided to open a portal in the far left corner of his solar system, believed by some to in fact be the asshole of the galaxy. Pinko homosexual cherubim traveled through the portal, bringing their diseases and perverted values with them. These pinko homosexual cherubim had also detested the ‘Kwa, but for different reasons. To them, the deterioration of the ‘Kwa had not proceeded with enough pace – they wanted more apes, fewer Ubermensch, more untermensch, more degeneracy, more homosexuality, and more plagues spread through contact with the anus. Although the pinko homosexual cherubim detested the natural order of things and sought the equal handicapping of all beings, they did possess two leaders: Ixaberg, wearer of the AIDS bracelet, and Mazdak, true owner of the Jewfro. A few supporters of the ‘Kwa’s new order also seeped through the portal – these were called Dicktasters.

Homo Aestheticus then gave the galaxy ‘free speech,’ and had created new planets. Homo Aestheticus imposed peace on some of these planets, forcing natural adversaries to ‘discuss’ highbrow controversies in a civilized and perpetually pointless manner. Homo Aestheticus had also created HeLL, a planet where the pinkos and noble whites could wage war in savage Balkanoid style.

The battles in HeLL distinguished the new galaxy from the rest. The pinkos and whites ruthlessly pursued one another, and neither side hesitated to humiliate their opponents. Both sides engaged in the most crude forms of iconoclasm. Images were often circulated depicting pinkos fucking Dicktasters, or apes from the planet of the apes, or both. Some could not handle the new form of warfare and had fled the galaxy. One pinko, Benjamin, had perished in battle after the savage Johnson drove a large penis through his skull. Ixaberg, however, had shown equal ruthlessness; his acts of child molestation sent shockwaves throughout Torah galaxy. Mazdak’s cheap clothing and massive Jewfro also terrified civilians, but most likely caused arousal in the Dicktasters.

At some point, somehow, a white seraph known as Man Against Time became lord of HeLL. He abused his new powers as much as possible, forcing the pinkos to humiliate themselves repeatedly. Soon, however, a new life form had migrated to the planets. These beings were known as wimmenz. Man Against Time did not believe the authenticity of their wimmeness. Rather, he was convinced they were shape-shifters, or Ixaberg in disguise. The wimmenz were thus forced to endure their share of humiliation in HeLL.

The wimmenz were determined to prove the veracity of their wimmeness, and Man Against Time used his powers to extract strange confessions from the creatures. Two wimmen, one from the far right corner and another from the far left corner of the galaxy, revealed the contents of their booty hole in such confessions. The far left wimmen divulged her willingness to consume feces and eat out other booty holes. The other wimmen, however, had revealed a disturbance in her booty hole. This disturbance was in fact the most destructive force in the galaxy: a black hole booty hole. The hole consumed space, time, stars, and planets. Man Against Time was almost sucked into the hole and barely escaped with his life.

When Man Against Time returned to HeLL, he was quickly deposed. Homo Aestheticus had learned of the power of the hole and had sought to harness such power for his own ends. Man Against Time denounced Homo Aestheticus as a false god, warned of the apocalypse, and announced his intention to flee the galaxy. Homo Aestheticus then dispatched a voracious horde of raging homosexual nerds to destroy Man Against Time while he intended to deal with the black hole on his own terms.

The white seraphim grew suspicious of Homo Aestheticus’ lack of actual power and began to lose faith. The truth was that Homo Aestheticus could not save the white seraphim as promised, but he believed that his divine essence combined with the power of the hole could do the trick. His divine offspring, Baby Feyd, would pick up where he left off and defeat the shape-shifting penny-pinching reptilians of the ‘Kwa.

At the same time, Homo Aestheticus faced a troubling dilemma. For one, he rightfully doubted his ability to control the chaotic and destructive power of the hole. Secondly, he would not be able to project his Holy Spirit, or the divine image of Patrick Bateman, when confronted with the omnipotent and all-consuming nature of the hole. Homo Aestheticus would be forced to reveal his true image, which was the very antithesis of his projection: a fat midget god also known as Chunk from Goonies.

Fortunately, Homo Aestheticus was a master strategist, and within the Torah he was the ultimate player. Although the hole had revealed him to be Chunk from Goonies, he managed to pour all of the alcohol in the galaxy and a few roofies down the throat of the wimmen before she could actually notice he was a fat midget. With the wimmen passed out drunk, Chunk went for the slam dunk in the trunk. Chunk went through the hole, and had passed through intact. He also managed to pull off an Immaculate Conception during this grand act of deception, generating the third and final manifestation of his godhead: Baby Feyd.

Meanwhile, the Tatar pinko horde pursued Man Against Time to the corner of the galaxy. Fearing the end was nigh, Man Against Time divulged the secret of the hole to Johnson. Johnson combined this new secret knowledge with his dark and degenerate magical abilities to create a new weapon: the red hole. Although the red hole could not devour entire solar systems like the black hole booty hole, the red hole could blind whomever gazed into its Shit Abyss. As the Tatar horde approached the two amoral Nutzis, Johnson shouted the magical formula “shazam bam goatse 1366x768,” and even the fervently homosexual Tatars fell into a state of blindness and confusion. Still, Man Against Time and Johnson did not have much time to flee. They were forced by time and necessity to contract with a ninja to use its giant space hog rhinoceros to travel to the next galaxy. In accordance with the contract, Man Against Time and Johnson were forced to copulate with the giant space hog rhinoceros while the ninja watched. Although they were probably infected with venereal disease, they managed to escape the Torah galaxy alive.

Hom…err, Chunk from Goonies, returned to the Torah a champion. He rapidly consumed a few cheeseburgers and a fried chicken dinner. Since his Sacred Band of Thebes were now blind, and his wimmen would be unconscious for the next few days, he did not have to exert himself to project his Apollonian Bateman image.

After losing himself in the hole, though, Chunk became a lazier and detached ruler. Torah grew, and new leaders arose who cared less for Chunk’s cult of personality. There also later may have been some complications with the virgin birth via booty hole consummation. No one truly knows for sure what became of Baby Feyd. Chunk originally claimed he was born and then later retracted the claim. The mistress guardianess of the hole, although not denying the Immaculate Conception via booty hole consummation, indicated she aborted the fetus. Reports of Baby Feyd sightings have circulated in other galaxies, but there have been no definite confirmations. No Baby Feyd rose to crush the money-grubbing shape-shifting reptilians of the ‘Kwa, not yet at least.

Chunk’s power started to wane. He began to try out novel ideologies as rapidly as he experimented with new fried chicken and cheeseburger chains. More authority devolved to Torah plebs. He needed to replenish his strength with more hole. He used his mack-daddy skills and what was left of his Torah personality cult to seduce the other loose Torah wimmen. Chunk naturally gravitated toward the one from the far-left corner of the galaxy, the one who was willing to do anything for her man, which included salad tossing.

Unfortunately, the fatter, slower generalissimo had met his Waterloo. He had journeyed to a remote planet to DSHSB. The booty-hole devourer left him stranded. She bailed on him, instead opting to elope with a coprophiliac retard. It is so sad, twisted, and disgusting I cannot even write about it. Chunk had to wait for light years so his pal Ixaberg could pick him up. Ixaberg was warm and reassuring. “It’s okay, man.” A few drinks later and – well, what occurred in that vehicle can never be spoken of again.

The new Torah was not worth another comeback. The castes had regressed. Those who were formerly lurkers and worthless plebs controlled the galaxy. They no longer worshipped and followed their old god. The Torah relegated the Chunk god to a nominal, figurehead type role with no actual authority. This was truly bullshit. The Torah was rightfully Chunk’s galaxy, and he would reassume control by force if necessary.

Although most of his homosexual legion was now blind, outed, or retired, Chunk still had loyal pinko homosexual cherubim marshals Mazdak and Ixaberg. Chunk could also rely on some other faggots who aren’t worth mentioning. Because it was believed that such people had a natural knack for ruining entire civilizations, Chunk recruited a penny-pinching shape-shifting reptilian known and feared throughout the galaxy as D-Bass.

The strategy sessions lasted months, but the preparation was worth the trouble. With a quick surgical masterstroke, Chunk + ********* Goonies toppled the newbie Torah leadership. Not only did Chunk pull a coup d’etat on these newbie motherfuckers, but he did it with jackass retards like D-Bass and Ix. The boys were back in town. Chunk was on top of the world. He was higher than Charlie Sheen. Winnin’.

The honeymoon did not last long. The parasitical and sociopathic abilities of D-Bass were not as effective as originally assumed. Chunk lost control of the galaxy that he created again, and then he was banished and ostracized on top of it. D-Bass continued the resistance, and just kept getting ass-raped over and over. He still gets ass-reamed by Torah newbies to this day, although he is currently working with intergalactic defamation lawyers to destroy his enemies.

Mazdak and Ixaberg went back to being faerie boyfriends and gay Bolshevik bug chasers. Ixaberg subsequently fought in the Battle of Armageddon against the guardianess of the black hole on the Breckinridge Elkins Show. He successfully gave the guardianess gonorrhea, but the guardianess countered with a pill the next day and it was gone. Ixaberg was then sucked up into the black hole and his liquefied remains were shot all over the continent of Africa on Planet Earth; AIDS accordingly spread like wildfire all over the place. The fallen god Chunk from Goonies tried once more to save whitey, failed again, and is now back in fat camp.

The banished white seraphim took their new esoteric knowledge to a different planet, Earth, and transmitted it to Joseph Smith Jr. Joseph Smith Jr. buried the secret teachings of the Black Hole somewhere in Missouri while fleeing from angry militias. When Pastor Lindstedt’s Swedish relatives were digging up his family yard for buried pennies, Pastor Lindstedt discovered the secret scrolls. Pastor Lindstedt was not going to concern himself with the worship of some wimmenz black hole booty hole, so he disseminated these holy works in the Beer Barrel shitbox before getting banned and going back to fighting the kike-nigger-gook-spic-wigger-mamzers of ZOG.

The Beer Barrel then dedicated itself to proselytizing the one true faith, which is the worship of the most powerful and destructive force in the galaxy: the black hole. The Beer Barrel staff is currently using the ancient scrolls of divine truth for its new translation of the Bible. Thus far, TBB staff has discovered that everything written is completely wrong. For instance, the Book of John is actually the Book of Johnson, and chapter 3 verse 16 actually reads “dry smash her shit box.” TBB believes this verse to allude to the location of a divine black hole. Another verse says “search for thee drunk Pollack girl in North Ameri’Kwa with gonorrheas.” The Cult of the Black Hole’s current objective is to locate this shit box so it can receive proper veneration.

Although the Cult of the Black Hole no longer worships the demiurge of the Torah galaxy, they do pay homage to the old god’s works and their religion’s ancient traditions. The Cult of the Black Hole recognizes the actual Holy Trinity to be Patrick Bateman, Chunk from Goonies, and Baby Feyd. Wimmenz are not accepted into the sect until they receive Eucharistic roofies and the shit boxing sacrament of baptjizm. Wimmenz are also expected to confess to their disgusting habits at the scarymommy web-site. The ancient art of red-holing and blinding one’s adversaries is also still practiced by black hole cultists. Black hole cosmology is regularly updated in the Beer Barrel’s Shitbox. The DBHCI (Dual-Booty Hole Cosmological Identity) heresy is no longer tolerated; Thermonuclear_Warrior hereby recants any previous claims that he discovered a second black hole in Mrs. Jaybird’s booty hole. The double-teaming of trolls in the presence of ninjas is also ritualistically re-enacted. TNW, Johnson, Jaybird, Apocales, Edmonds Fitzgerald, EconomicallyViable, Intrepid, Frater Spicadubo, MadScienceType, NotBrownButSeedy, tricknologist, and Hawthorne are currently recognized as Black Hole Melchizedek. The ultimate goal of all adherents is to get sucked into the hole.

DSHSB! Hail the hole!

Black Hole Goddess

Jun 19, 2012