Goofy Jews

Discussion in 'Brews 'n Jews' started by rasputin, May 26, 2010.

  1. rasputin Forum Veteran

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2010
    Message Count:
    3,993
    Reputation:
    94,785,355
    Ratings Received:
    +6,061 / 11 / -10
    fucking :jew:

    [IMG]

    [IMG]

    [IMG]

    [IMG]
    Latest Given Reputation Points:
    Bluto: 49,729 Points Mar 23, 2015
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • List
  2. Georg Schoenerer Der Judenkenner

    Member Since:
    Feb 13, 2015
    Message Count:
    1,005
    Location:
    Oy Vey Up North
    Reputation:
    46,127,599
    Ratings Received:
    +1,831 / 3 / -43
    Latest Given Reputation Points:
    313Chris: -44,235 Points May 16, 2016
  3. Roy Fokker Forum Veteran

    Member Since:
    Jul 29, 2012
    Message Count:
    7,911
    Reputation:
    -7,656,267
    Ratings Received:
    +10,024 / 171 / -261
  4. Flashy Active Member

    Member Since:
    Aug 3, 2016
    Message Count:
    17
    Reputation:
    348,868
    Ratings Received:
    +19 / 0 / -0
  5. Georg Schoenerer Der Judenkenner

    Member Since:
    Feb 13, 2015
    Message Count:
    1,005
    Location:
    Oy Vey Up North
    Reputation:
    46,127,599
    Ratings Received:
    +1,831 / 3 / -43
    [IMG]

    (((Leonard Borchardt's))) first glimpse of America was brief. The fourteen year old stowaway from Berlin was discovered en route to the new world by the Captain of the SS Fresia. He was forced to stay on the ship, join the crew to earn his passage, return to Germany and back again to the United States, before being allowed to disembark in New York. From there Borchardt drifted from state to state before signing up for the U.S. Cavalry in Detroit. After learning he would be fighting Native American Indians who might scalp him - Borchardt deserted, sold his horse and gun to a farmer, and headed for San Francisco. He arrived in 1884 at the age of 22.

    Borchardt would try any crazy scheme for money, starting with his impersonation of a "Wild Man of Borneo", the scam that was to give him his infamous moniker. He was painted with glue, stuck with hair, and laid out on a roof to dry for five hours. Then he was shackled in a cage and fed raw meat whilst scaring visitors with grunts and wails of "Oof, Oof". He performed this act in the Dime Museum Show and was a huge success; but his manager skipped town with the proceeds, leaving Borchardt close to death on account of his pores being blocked by whatever it was that had been fused to his skin. Borchardt made the news and was visited by curious medical students as he lay in a Turkish bath for five weeks waiting for the glue to dissolve. This cost the City $300 before he was well again. From then on Borchardt was known throughout California simply as Oofty Goofty.

    Instead of shying away from the limelight as some might after such a to-do, Borchardt (now a celebrity of San Francisco's Barbary Coast), embraced his new persona and no dare was considered too much of a challenge. From one day to the next you would not know if you might find Oofty Goofty acting as a human skittle in Woodward's Garden where patrons would win a cigar if they hit him with a baseball, or hear of him heading to New York pushing a shiny red wheelbarrow for a bet, (a challenge that failed after 40 miles when he was knocked over in the darkness, landing head first in a creek).

    For $20 he even allowed himself to be shipped in a box to Sacramento as a joke gift for a young lady. That they carted him there with the box updside-down, and left the package unopened in a warehouse over the weekend, did nothing to lessen his bravado, although he later admitted he was "pretty near played out that time".

    But Oofty Goofty was made from tough mettle. Not only did he survive a court martial for his earlier desertion, escaping three years of hard labor by throwing himself off a cliff to achieve early dismissal on grounds of disability.

    Oofty, after a long and illustrious career, met a different, sadder fate. His big career move came when an irate clubowner, embarrassed at having booked such a loser, had the bouncers pick up Oofty and throw him through the air and into the street. Oofty slammed into the pavement with enough force to crush the spine of an ordinary mortal.

    Staggering to his feet and brushing himself off, he made a remarkable discovery: He felt no pain! Just to make sure, he entered the nearest saloon and offered to let its nastiest-looking denizen punch him for a nickel. Still, he felt no pain. Soon Oofty was earning a good living with his expanded repertoire: for a nickel you could slug him, for a dime you could kick his rear end with all your might, and for a quarter you could slam him in the butt with a baseball bat.

    Practically every male in San Francisco, from the movers and shakers to the lowest denizens of the Barbary Coast, could brag of having banged on Oofty at least once. But finally, after decades of suffering the painless blows of fate, Oofty suffered the inevitable fatal blow. Heavyweight champ John L. Sullivan busted his spine with a pool cue, and Oofty died broke a couple of years later.

    While San Francisco would undoubtedly have liked to claim this colorful character forever as its own, Oofty Goofty actually moved to Texas where his antics continued. Sullivan's legendary belting did not stop him from traveling from one oil field to the next, where he would invite drunken workers to thrash him with a baseball bat for cash. Neither did his fertile imagination subside when it came to entertaining the masses with his fanciful schemes for making money. The last we hear of him, Oofty Goofty favored racing to drink beer with a bar spoon and quail-eating contests that became all the rage at the time.
  6. Bluto Drunken lout

    Member Since:
    Apr 22, 2010
    Message Count:
    13,270
    Reputation:
    257,940,623
    Ratings Received:
    +17,657 / 68 / -168

Share This Page